I suppose hate is a harsh sentiment. I don’t really hate them. They are a wonderful gesture from family and friends. A celebration coordinated with love and good intention. It is also tremendously helpful to shower new parents (especially first timers) with the slew of new gear they will need to raise a tiny human. I was fortunate enough to be showered twice while pregnant with our first and those gatherings left me feeling overwhelmingly loved. I think my baby shower beef might be an AND/BOTH situation. I think it’s wonderful to celebrate parents with a shower AND/BOTH we should work a little harder to hold parents a bit more intentionally.
Pregnancy is hard. Your body is no longer your own and you are navigating the depths of so many unknowns. It’s the beginning of this mystical journey where control is scarce and comments about your body are disgustingly abundant. There were/are times I feel like an incubator. A vessel that just needs to be happy and grateful and stop eating soft cheese. The person I was before conception becomes invisible, unseen as a whole human with anxiety or fears around what’s to come. Here’s where baby showers miss the mark for me. They are too full of small talk and melted candy in diapers to give space to the tremendous depth of emotion and human experience happening within the pregnant person.
So wtf do we do about this conundrum? I don’t think the answer is boycotting baby showers, again AND/BOTH happening in my brain right now, but I think the simplest answer is talking more about the range of emotions and needs that surface in the perinatal period. Instead of asking a pregnant person what they are having (it’s a human btw) or telling them, “you better sleep now” or inquiring about their nursery theme, what if we also spent as much energy asking them what emotions have surfaced this week or what their postpartum plans might be or how we can help to optimize sleep and ensure their needs are being met in the chaos too?
The hard truth is baby showers (all good intentions aside) tend to amplify this message that a healthy baby is all that matters. Not only is this narrative false, it is also incredibly harmful. Up to 1 in 5 of us will experience a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (PMAD) in pregnancy or postpartum and that number increases to 1 in 3 for persons of color. These numbers are significant on their own, but as is true with most statistics around mental health, reporting is notoriously low (hello stigma and shame) making me constantly wonder how much more adverse experiences really are.
And it’s not just baby showers that perpetuate this narrative. Our culture in general places more emphasis on pregnancy and birth than postpartum. Simple look at the numerous prenatal/infant visits that are the standard of care compared to the SINGLE postpartum visit scheduled by doctors. Even worse, until more recently, these visits didn’t necessarily include a screening or conversation around emotional or mental health needs! Instead they are often approached as a box to check off, ok you can have sex and exercise again, want some birth control? Good luck!
Even at it’s best, postpartum is hard and parents desperately need nurturing that is not only denied by our culture, but also often expected for parents themselves to ignore. Parents need to be reminded that their feelings and needs matter. We shouldn’t be invading hospital rooms and homes just to see and swoon over the baby. We shouldn’t be asking how everyone is sleeping (newsflash they aren’t) or holding a baby and then leaving. We need to show up more intentionally for families.
Bring a meal, fill up their water jug and heat them a plate, fold some laundry, walk the dog, but most of all ask about (and then VALIDATE) feelings. If a birthing person says they are disappointed by their birth, don’t say anything. Just hold space, let them cry, tell them you understand. We can have gratitude for a healthy baby while also being allowed space to process fear or sadness. If a parent tells you raising humans is hard and they feel overwhelmed, don’t try to fix it or give opinions or shoulds. Just listen, validate, and highlight their strengths. You are doing a good job goes a long way.
There are plenty of additional ways to honor new parents and address the full spectrum of needs in this stage of life. I’ve seen lots of talk about postpartum parties and diaper bombs or something I personally do is never only bring a gift for baby to a baby shower. I always work hard to include a gift for the parent. I gifted an entire postpartum kit (think mesh panties, tucks pads, nipple cream, etc.) to my bestie at her shower, but the good news is you don’t even have to gather these items on your own, you can find similar kits already curated from various sources!
A few of my faves include the Frida Mom Postpartum Recovery Kit, La Mama Care Postpartum Care Kits or Cater to Mom Postpartum Subscription Boxes. Other options include gifting postpartum doula care, a postpartum massage, or cleaning or laundry services (I recently discovered The Cesta in Austin and they are legit!). Organize a meal train or gift meal delivery, offer to entertain older kids or snag some wipes on your next Costco run and just drop them on the porch. The options are endless and frankly, necessary for new family survival.
Another beautiful option and one I’m lucky enough to get to enjoy this third time around (thanks friends!) is what is known as a parent-to-be blessing or mother’s blessing. A mother’s blessing simply celebrates the expectant parent and is meant to inspire and encourage them before their birth journey. I even got creative when my bestie was expecting her second and incorporated this practice into her baby shower so she could have both! AND/BOTH y’all, we can do it!
The reality is we are not meant to parent in isolation and it’s 100% impossible for a new family to meet all the needs of their baby (plus older kids), themselves and their home all at once. We are a species built for connection and families need to be seen, heard and held for the whole system they are. Our culture has a shit ton of unlearning and legitimate policy change (um paid family leave anyone?!) to incorporate before norms can shift as a community, but until then let’s rethink our approach to the baby shower and consider other ways to more intentionally love on new parents and the shit show they are navigating.